Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
