i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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