Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
