i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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