My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
