My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
