Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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