theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
