just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
