Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
