New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
