I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
