Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
