You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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