if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
