I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
