True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
