It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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