i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
