The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
