Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
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I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
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How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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