I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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