I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
