he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i think i scared a bird with my dick
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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