FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
