i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
