i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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