My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
