Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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