I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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