I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Im part way to drunk.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
