How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
