I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
