And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
