My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
