I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
