Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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