he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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