well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
