Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
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I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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