He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dignity is for republicans.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
