How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
