rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
