i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
