I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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