I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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