why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
