I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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