You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
