she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
