if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
