i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
