and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
