Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
