checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
