I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
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Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
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Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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