so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
