I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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