so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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